Random Acts of Kindness: A one year challenge

I know a young woman whose husband performed the heart-shattering task of going through all of his wife’s things and deciding what to do with each one of them.  Thank God he had close friends at his side as such feats should never be attempted without a support net.

RAK: This is a long post so if you don’t feel like reading the brilliant and witty words to follow, here is the RAK accomplished. I have twice anonymously contributed toward the vet bill of someone who could not cover the cost of treating a sick animal at my vet’s office.

Disclaimer:  I think relationships with animals are an extremely important part of being a caring person, so I am not dissing loving your pets (or me loving mine) in anyway.

What I am writing about today is most certainly not an original idea (You: How is this different from anything else he writes? Me: Ouch), although maybe some of this will offer a new perspective…. or not.

One of core features that has been wired into us humans is the drive to be connected with other humans, to have relationships, to belong. It doesn’t matter if you want to approach this from a cut-and-dry evolutionary perspective (we are social animals and those who could form strong attachments to other humans were more likely to survive),  or from the vantage of a more spiritual way of viewing it (being able to connect and form close relationships with empathy for the suffering of others is a crucial aspect of being a healthy and whole person, having a soul).  In fact, we have whole diagnostic categories for people with various inabilities to form these attachments to humans; misanthrope, narcissist, sociopath, some of the diagnosis within the Autism Spectrum Disorders.

The bottom line is we fiercely want this kind of connection, we need this kind of connection.  Our #1 priority in this realm, connect with humans.  But, there is a ton of shit that can make it really hard to do this.  I don’t think we need to begin listing what that ton of shit can be as I am going to guess you can point to some of that shit in your history, current life, and the world around you.  For those of you who are more on the Damn Hippie end of the spectrum, I highly recommend checking out Tara Brach’s blog, website and (awesome) podcasts at www.tarabrach.com/  …but only for those you leaning toward hippie.  The rest of us should stay where we are.

All kinds of fascinating and painful things spin off this ton of shit; crappy relationships (yes, pun intended),  hoarding (stuff! I have successfully formed a relationship with stuff!!) and animals (I don’t see where one more cat/dog/elephant would be much of an added burden).  Before we go on and you see the next section as impressively crazy, you can have appropriate “relationships” with stuff and animals as well.

Does it seem like I am too pedantic there? Too long a setting of context?  Bordering on ranting and raving?  Sorry.

Back to RAK then.  I currently have 2 dogs and 2 cats (Don’t judge me because I have a foot in both the Dog and Cat camps).  Within a little more than a month, both of my dogs (Ellie and Etta) have been diagnosed with cancer.  Ellie has had surgery and Etta will soon have hers.

I know a lot about cancer (Cancer plays a role in what I do for a living).  I had balanced and clinically-knowledgeable conversations with multiple vets.  I understand the survival curves and that their fates are by no means sealed, and I was devastated.  I successfully made it out of the vets’ office when each diagnosis came without crying, and sobbed driving home.  I am talking turning-on-the-windshield-wipers-because-you-think-it-must-be-raining sobbing.  Why then?  Why when I found out they had cancer? I know they may both survive and death is not imminent even if there is a giant existential clock ticking.

Here is what I think (Please note that I will likely change my mind a few months down the road and may or may not offer the new ideas within this blog.  Consider yourself warned.): The drive to form unconditional, intimate relationships.  There is no one in my life who has ever loved me with such acceptance and fullness as my dogs.  I have had some wonderful relationships with some really great women, but never with the fully unafraid heart of my dogs.  Let me quickly state that this is in no way the fault of any of the women who have been such an important part of my life.  No, it has been my fault.  I have been afraid to get that close and I did not let them get close enough.  I may have a history which makes that challenging, but, fuck, don’t we all have a ton of shit lurking in the corners?

I sobbed because I am terrified that the two creatures who love me most in the world, that I am most strongly connected with, are going to die.  And then I will be unloved, unconnected in that way. Scary shit, right? One of the important things to note here is that I have wonderful people in my life, a lot of wonderful people who care deeply about me, and I care deeply about them.  And the two beings I feel closest to are my dogs.  What does this say about me and, to diffuse the white hot spotlight of introspection from solely being focused on me, many people’s relationships?  You can draw your own conclusions, but here is mine. In dealing with my own ton of shit, I have created a barrier between myself and even those who are closest to me.  To protect myself from things I feared, I disconnected.  Now I am not the person I was when I was a teen and young adult, but there is still a long way to go in forming true connections which involved being totally vulnerable. Also scary shit, right? That is one of the things this RAK stuff has made clear to me.  In order to be open and available to perform a random act of kindness as defined by the rules I outlined in a previous post, you have to be present, you have to see someone in the ocean humans as an individual person, and you have to, even if ever so briefly, connect with them as that individual person.

In looking back on it, I think I made donations to help someone else care for their pet  so they might feel less alone, like someone else felt the pain of the impending death of a creature who they connected with.  Most of all though, I think doing this gave me the chance to step out of my own grief and into the world of another specific person and their pain, to feel a connection to an individual I will never meet, but a real person nonetheless.