Random Acts of Kindness: A one year challenge
I know a woman who, along with her husband, have given me the unique chance to step back and consider lessons to be learned from current & past events in my life.

I am going to start today’s blog with a sappy metaphor.
You: Nice to get this out of the way, as opposed to you ambushing us part way through as you typically do with the sappy and/or thinly structured. metaphors.
Me: 😛 This is the emoticon for me sticking my tongue out at you, in case that was not clear.
As I was saying before you rudely interrupted, I hope you will see beyond the surface of what I acknowledge is a trite metaphor and look for the potential value to the exploration on RAK that lies beneath the sentimental veneer. Remember, I am extremely sincere in my sentimentality so roll with me here.

Our histories plant the gardens we walk through in our day-to-day lives (You: Oh, for fuck sake! Are you kidding me? Me: Hear me out). What grows and what we must navigate everyday are from seeds planted by others, often long ago. The foundation of what has grown has little to do with us or our choices. There is a tiny percentage of us who get amazing, well-cared-for gardens filled with flowers and plants carefully nurtured (I vote we hate those people out of sheer jealousy). Some of us get poorly tended, or even abandoned, toxic gardens completely choked with overgrown weeds, weeds so high you cannot even see that there is a garden under all that tangle. the kind with big, sharp, nasty thorns or leaves that can burn your skin such that it blisters. Most of us fall somewhere along this continuum. At some point the garden becomes our responsibility, there is the potential to reduce the weeds, cut back the overgrowth of vines and poison ivy, plant things lush & beautiful, but that is dependent on our ability to become effective gardeners. Just because it is now ours does not mean we have a clue how to tend this garden anymore than those who planted it. Of course to add to the cruelty of this situation, the more toxic and weed-choked our garden, the less likely we are to be able to become the kind of gardener who can change the landscape in which we must exist.

You: Okayyyyyyyyy…….
Me: Now back to random acts of kindness.

Right before I left for the Philippines a couple weeks ago, it got quite nippy in DC as Winter did a test drive through the city, completed a few laps, then drove off again with a hearty “Woo hoo! I’ll be back soon.” It was nothing like our brethren across the northern tier states experienced but plenty cold enough to remind me that as much as I like wearing sweaters (and I really like wearing sweaters), I am not that big a fan of the freezing-ass weather that justifies sweater wearing. I guess we will see if I can man up or if we are in for a series of blog posts where I whine about the weather (as opposed to what I usually whine about).

There is an old woman (like maybe 126 years old? It is hard to tell after a certain age) that lives a couple houses from me. Given the cold of the week, one of my random acts of kindness was to bring her garbage cans back to her yard after the guys came by and smooshed the neighborhood’s trash with that big trash smoosher they have on their truck. Side note: I once saw the trash smoosher eat a large sleeper sofa with a heavy metal frame. It was awesome.

As I did my RAK, I was reminded of a similar event a few years back, long before the RAK Challenge, where I was the recipient. Some context: The house next to mine used to be a rental that was occupied by a middle-aged woman who was raising some of her grandchildren while their parents struggled with the ugliness that is addiction and life on the streets. At various times, grandchildren and their parents would come and go as the family suffered through the roller coaster of recovery and relapse. Overall we got along well.

One day as I came home from work, her son was just leaving and we stopped to talk. It turns out he brought my trash cans in that morning, a nice neighborly gesture, but what struck me at the time, and has stayed with me over the last several years, was his description of the experience of having done this. He was bringing his mom’s trash cans in, saw mine, thought about it for a bit and then decided “oh what-the-hell, Erik’s pretty nice to my mom, I’ll go ahead and do this.” It was clear from our conversation his doing this type of act was a really BIG deal and a rare occurrence. This act was out of character for him and out of the norm for his world.

I would like to point out that I had to walk down the street a couple houses (well just 2 houses) and it was freaking cold when I did my RAK, while he didn’t have to walk and the weather was lovely (Whomever calculates the scores, you see I am angling for extra credit, right?), but when you get down to it, we did the Exact Same RAK. For me it was a small act of kindness in a chain of acts of kindness within the context of being a giving, empathetic, “nice” guy in general. For him it was a really BIG deal, a rare event, one that left him surprised at his own behavior and which he continued to mark as highly noteworthy hours later.

This story has nothing to do with one of us being a better glob-o-human than the other, one RAK being more or less worthy, with me being some sort a righteous, upstanding member of the community and his being a some sort of thug momentarily off the streets. No. None of that is true. Don’t get me wrong. Assuming I was the one rated the better person (the likelihood this would be the assessment is open to much debate), it would be super cool if it was true because I could be smug and use the comparison as a way to tell myself stories about how much more valuable and fundamentally kinder I am. Seems a great strategy for shutting up some demons calling nasty and hurtful names from the basement. However I, sadly, knew to my core none of that is true. And what a valuable and useful interaction it still was.

For me the value of that interaction back then and juxtaposed to my own recent trash can act was the awareness that popped. Sometimes there are things that happen, encounters we have, that make you realize just how narrow your vision of the world is. My neighbor’s son and I may have both been standing in my driveway, but we were in different universes. That moment between us was the smallest of glimpses into a place I have never been. And that small glimpse revealed the vast gulf that existed between the basic assumptions we each had about the world. I became keenly aware that the very ground we walked on each day was a different earth beneath our feet.

How did our earths become so different? Do I get to win some cool prize for living a morally better life? Sadly, no, no prize for me. From the perspective of the metaphor we started with, he and I were gifted very different gardens. It is not hard to imagine that his is on the end of the continuum of toxic with massive, thorn-laced weeds. Amazing and meaningful that, even if for a moment, he took a step on a path of thinking about an Other considering he had to fight through denser and more vicious bracken then I ever would. I was touched then and am even more so as I tackle a year of RAK.

My garden? What are the planting in the earth I walk through? In surveying the landscape it is apparent I have a history which planted many difficult, pain-inducing weeds, and also planted space to navigate those weeds and lovely plants. I have been working hard to stay on top of and reduce the weeds through chopping, weed-killing chemicals, and pulling (only the smaller weeds thus far as the largest are still rooted too deeply, maybe some day) while trying to plant more flowers.

I look at this mess that is my garden and I know I am lucky, lucky for the spaciousness, lucky for the flowers and plants, but most of all I am lucky for the repeated chances I have been given to learn how to be a gardener.

Random Acts of Kindness: A one year challenge

I know a young woman who I will not forget.  Thanks for still reading…..assuming you are.  So I don’t have to awkwardly include “assuming you are” every time, I am going to go ahead and assume that there is a you, even it is only my daughter who I am sure will read this if for no other reason than it will amuse her  (Although secretly she will probably think it is cool on some level.  Don’t worry, Sweetie, we will never speak of this again).

So, here are the rules I am playing by, and if you want to play RAK Challenge even if for a day, you have to follow the rules or you are playing some different game. Yes, very bossy I know (and many people in my life would agree with you) but this is important.  Ok, you are right, I don’t know if it is truly important, but I think it may be, so we will follow these rules.

#1 No RAK is too small to “count.”  Putting your neighbor’s newspaper on the porch when you are out walking the dogs, holding the door for someone with their hands full, saying something kind to the checkout woman at the grocery store when you saw the previous customer be an asshole;  these all count.  I have been surprised at how little often seems to do so much within someone else’s day.  Of course, it also counts when RAKs require more from you in terms of time, resources and perhaps most of all psychological presences.

#2 The RAK must involve doing something, as opposed to not doing something you might normally do.  So not stealing your co-worker’s lunch when you perhaps might do that every so often, does NOT count.  Not screaming “you mother fucking bastard!” when a driver cuts you off; does NOT count. RAK within my game is defined by intentionally doing something.

#3 Speaking of intentionality, and I think this may be a key rule, you must pay attention to what you are doing and acknowledge it in your head, “This is a random act of kindness.”  Why?  Why is he putting yet another rule on this?  Fair question; here is why, I may be the only human person who does this, but it is easy for me to walk through my life and not really pay attention to what is happen, in particular not pay attention to people as “people.”  I happen to be a “nice guy” and I literally do dozens of acts of kindness pretty much every day, but a huge number of those are on automatic pilot.  I am not actually paying attention much to what I am doing. Way more importantly, maybe, is that I am not actually paying attention to the other human as a human, as an individual person with needs and longings and dreams and a ton of shit which is making it hard to get those things fulfilled.

Side note: Be warned, I have a tendency toward the Hallmark Greeting Card, Norman Rockwell, After School Special Movie, but I am sincere about it, and I am also completely fine with you rolling your eyes at some of these deeply felt but ridiculously stated observations.  Believe me, my family and friends feel your pain and are right there with you on the eye roll.  If it helps, I also will be saying “fuck” a lot.

Anyway, Rule #3 matters and is characterized by doing something on purpose, paying attention to the fact that you are doing, and also being aware, if only for a moment, that that blob of walking flesh is a specific, individual person. It also completely legit to do a little moon-walk dance and give yourself a high five for completing a RAK, and/or be relieved that you have been able to check that off the day’s to-do list.

#4  It does not count as RAK if what you do hurts you physically, psychologically, emotionally, financially, whatever.  This is not the Random Acts of Martyrdom Challenge.  Different game, and I am sure they do have a blog for RAM,

#5 I found this to better if you don’t tell the person; “Hey, that was my random act of kindness for the day.”   For me, some of the most meaningful RAK, keeping in mind that I am not at all sure what meaningful means yet….maybe never will, were things that I did anonymously.  Now this may only be important for me to do.  I am a driven, goal oriented (but “nice”) person and it is a big deal to me to get credit for achieving things. So for me, doing things that people don’t know I did and I will never get credit for is an important part of this.

Wait…..this doesn’t really sound like a rule, I thought he was laying out the rules.   What the fuck?  Fair enough. Rule #5 is a strong suggestion.

#6 You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to wake up and be all filled with the juices of life shouting, “Thank God, thank God! Another joyous day of random acts of kindness. This is awesome.”  You do not have to feel all rosy and cheery and warm when you have done some random act of kindness.  You don’t have to suffer if you play this game. You don’t have to feel smug and self-righteous.  You don’t have to feel like you’re a good person should you choose to try a little bit of RAK. You don’t have feel like you are bad person if you think this is bullshit and never do a single RAK, or you do a few then quit for whatever reason. You don’t have to feel angry or happy or sad.  You don’t have to feel anything and, conversely, anything you do feel is ok.

So far for me 4 weeks in, I often feel this sense of connection with the other person, which is powerful and nice and warm and fuzzy, AND I also feel a strong undercurrent of sadness.  Part of this game for me is going to be to try to understand what comes up.  So I am going to have to pay attention to not only the warm fuzzies (think puppies) but also to the scary, difficult, and prickly (think sea urchin, but a really big one, like one from an old science fiction movie, a bad movie).

So Rule #6 is basically allow yourself feel whatever you feel about a specific RAK and about the whole game….. if anyone else is playing.

Random Acts of Kindness: A one year challenge

Entry #1

I know a young woman.  Many good stories start this way, so you just know you will want to read this blog.  I can tell.  This young woman had a PhD and worked at the National Cancer Institute and the Food and Drug Administration investigating how to help people avoid developing cancers associated with behaviors that often cause cancer.

About a year ago, this young woman was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer.  Throughout the last year, a community of friends, co-workers and acquaintances rose up to provide practical and emotional support via a Facebook page.  Toward the end of this year is when the “Ice Bucket Challenge” went viral and some of this young woman’s friends wanted to do this for her.  She did not want this.  Instead she asked people to do a random act of kindness and then post back what to her page what it was.

This idea struck something in me and I decided to do it big….well, relatively big.  I vowed to do what we now called the Random Act of Kindness Challenge (RAK) every day for a full 6 weeks, the time from when I started to the end of the Government fiscal year.  I don’t know why I vowed to do this for this much time. Part of me was like “Woo hoo!  Go, me (insert smug dance)” and part of me was like “don’t be such a fucking dumbass, this really matters.”  I don’t know why but there was a part of me that realized this was important.

I was part of this community but having been more of an acquaintance than anything else, I had mostly been watching from the fringes, occasionally making supportive comments to FB, donating some sick leave through work, a small cash donation here and there, blah, blah, blah.  Not that these things did not matter, I truly believe they did, but they were easy to do from a safe, emotionally distance place.  I could feel  like I was being a great human being and “nice”, while avoiding having to confront the emotional pain of this human being I knew dying.

I would like to say that it was from powerful psychological insight and awareness of how I was not allowing myself to truly be present for the physical and emotional pain experienced by this young woman and her husband and family and friends that that led me to commitment to 6 weeks of daily RAK.  Buttttttt, that would be a stretch.  I will say up front that I am pretty fucking smart, a “visionary” leader in my field and am VBVI (very busy, very important. (HA!)), but thinking is not really what I do best.  I am more about boyish enthusiasm and the ability to nurture talent in others than the ability to logically, thoughtfully come to the truth.

For whatever reason, I stepped into RAK. I every day since then I have performed a random act of kindness, some kind of big, many small, some of which made someone else’s life easier for a moment, some of which seemed to truly touch people in a meaningful way.  I am currently at the end of my 4th week, 2 to go.

This young woman died unexpectedly 2 weeks ago.

I cried when I heard the news.  I cried and felt the pain of loss in ways that I would not have if I had not started doing RAK. I don’t know why.  I have some ideas why this may have happened, but I am not sure.  Something important happened even from doing this for only a few weeks.  In all honesty I think I sensed it within the first couple days, but could not put a word on it.  I still can’t (Please refer to the above note regarding thinking not being what I do) but I feel it is there.  Something has changed.  I don’t know if it is a good change (Is there a nomination for a Noble Peace Prize in my future?) or a bad change (Am I moving further down the Evil Genesis track?), or even a change that matters…..or will maintain.  But let’s see what happens.

So that is some background on what I am starting….ok, continuing because I SO get credit for the first 4 weeks. I am going to take on the RAK Challenge for a year.  Yup 365 days….minus the days I have already done because I did some awesome RAK in that time, plus it would sort of be cheating to imply that I was a super solid RAK-er when I have had 4 weeks of practice.  I should probably write the date down somewhere so I know when I am done.  I would hate to do extra days.

So where does this blog fit in?  At its most basic, I will feel accountable for writing about what is happening.  I have a strong need to please and I will feel guilty and like I am letting people down if I don’t write, even if I am the only one who ever reads this.  Second, there is something going on here that I want to understand better.  Given my lack of thinking (despite being super smart- I want that on the record), writing will help me do some of that thinking and processing outside of my head (which tends to be a loud and cluttered place).

Where do you fit in?  First let’s acknowledge that there may not be a you, now or ever, but, if for some reason there was a you, it would be cool if you read about how it is going.  No need to do anything else.  If for some unexplained reason you wanted to try out some random acts of kindness, that would be amazing and an interesting addition to this experiment.  Next blog I will explain the rules, because ever good game has rules.  How else do you know if you are winning, right?