I know a woman who I wish I had known better.

It has been a crazy last couple weeks.  A tsunami of work deadlines, bad shit in my family, and stuff, the ubiquitous stuff that oozes into all the cracks of our lives, making it difficult to move through our day. When my life spins this direction my attention becomes narrow and laser focused on What Must Be Done and my ability be present in, hell even aware of, the external world becomes small.  As my outer world shrinks, my inner world becomes cluttered.  I have continued to do random acts of  kindness but the time that I am fully present narrows.  I get a lot of things done, that is one of the skills I specialize in (I really should put that on my resume: Expert in Getting Things Done), but this morning I am wondering if I am really more productive as I spin in my hamster wheel inside my head.  The hamster says, “Yeah we are!  Let’s run!! This is awesome!!!”  I am no longer sure….but I digress and am probably avoiding talking about what I want to talk about today (You: “Probably avoiding?  Shaah.”)

At first I thought I was going to have to quote  the great philosopher, Kindly Uncle Ben from Spiderman but it turns out this quote actually belongs to Voltaire, which is way more intellectual and educated. So let’s pretend I encountered this quote by reading Voltaire, and not from a Spiderman movie.

Voltaire: “With great power comes great responsibility.” I think this matters.  I think this matters a lot, at least to who I want to be and who I want to do a better job of being.  I suspect Voltaire, and Kindly Uncle Ben for that matter, had something different in mind, but they are both dead so how are they going to argue, right?  Where this statement has been rattling around inside my brain for the last few years is as I think about my actions in the world specifically toward the people in my life. In particular people I in any way feel I have some responsibility for and to: my trainees, friends, family, partner….. I carry a lot of responsibility because I CAN carry a lot of responsibility.  There are so many things I don’t do well and never will, and there are things I do well, sometimes even prize-worth, outstandingly well….on a good day.  The things I do well, where I have “great power,” that matter most to me are the things which touch other people’s lives: my trainees, friends, family, partner….. Because I know I can do these things, that I have “great power” through my ability to bring kindness, generosity, empathy, attention, I feel that I have “great responsibility.”

And, of course, it gets complicated.

I have been increasingly struggling with the following question for last several years without finding any resolution. And as my “kindness” becomes increasingly volitional and mindful, as opposed to automatic, this question has become more important and urgent. I have no idea what “urgent” even means in this context, but yeah urgent. No clue. No f-nig clue.

The question? Where does the line of our responsibility to others lie?

Let’s not be too Damn Hippie about this and not go all Love the Whole World, kumbaya, and all that. Let’s think about the people who are truly in our life. Not too hard a question for people who are barely in your gravitational pull, recognizing that we are each obviously the Sun that everyone else rotates around (right?), but who are distant asteroids. Also not a difficult question as the astronomical units shrink and we encounter celestial objects more central to our solar system that we delight in having bask in our brilliant light. Yea, people in our life! Yea, people we care about & love!!

But what about those celestial objects close to the center of our brilliant light and warmth who have toxic atmospheres, and perhaps even space monsters? How about those who, through no fault of their own, cannot support life?  Those who still NEED our light and warmth, but reflect nothing in return, indeed if their orbits pass too close to even us as The Sun, we are diminished, perhaps even to the extent our ability to shine on other objects is eclipsed.  Where does our responsibility lie for those who are defined by society as orbiting so close we “should” help, care about and care for, but the harsh reality is that closeness is not the truth?

“Should” takes a beating in much of clinical psychology and related traditions. Truthfully, “Should” becomes a great way to trap ourselves into roles and actions that are not healthy for us to do, and so much of the beating is well-deserved (Take that you should-of-a-bitch (kick, kick, kick)).  And, at the same time, one of the many things that sucks about being an adult (None of which were in the informed consent form!!) is there are a lot of things we do because we “Should” do them.  And, as we highlighted a couple sentences ago, there is a whole class of things we think we “Should” do, but don’t really “Should” do. Anybody else getting a bit turnaround and woozy?  No?  OK, back to people….I mean celestial objects…..or was it people after all? 

Where do we draw the line of our responsibility to others when those others are people who have caused you harm or damage? Those whose current life is so destructive and chaotic that the shrapnel flies randomly, taking innocent bystanders down? Who are drowning and desperately grab at anyone to try to stay above water even if it means taking that person down with them?  (These are vague and rather extreme metaphors that I will leave for you to consider how to fill in with whatever may (or may not) reflect the reality of the streams you swim in.)

Common sense and a little push from survival skills shaped by a rich evolutionary history suggest the answer is a simply, “Cast them out! Banish them from your solar system!”  But, of fucking course, the people alluded to above are the people who are most likely to need our help, and be the people we “Should” support, both because society expect us to, and also because there may be a space in our hearts that wants to…..maybe.

Random acts of kindness, the seeking of connections with others, and the glimpse it offers into other worlds places us in a difficult space sometimes.  We have the opportunity to see that “fault” becomes a meaningless word but still….. There are hurts that roll back and back across generations but….. Maybe this person did their best but still…. We can understand and pardon AND act to protect ourselves from [insert hurt here: Betrayal, Neglect, Abuse, Manipulation, Lies, Disavowing,…..]. And its not about a black and white decision; reject vs. embrace, cut off all contact vs. welcome them into your heart.

What a gooey mess. Does it seem like RAK leads us here often?   Probably means it is “important” and “valuable” to grapple with.  Sigh.

So where is that line of responsibility for those we “Should” help but for whatever reason don’t want to, are wary of helping? The people we “Should” help; and then there is You, you bright amazing sun, you, you deserve love, and respect, and to be able to shine your light and warmth where you want to, on to objects that can reflect it back to you.  And, as Uncle Ben said, “With great power comes great responsibility.”  I don’t yet know how all this comes together.  I hope somewhere in all that, there is a balance. I wonder if part of finding that balance is trying to listen to what your heart says about who you “Should” support, rather than what society says you “Should” do.  I don’t know.  I still got this question rattling around in my brain.