I know a woman whose “belonging” continues to be demonstrated by the many ongoing random acts of kindness her friends still do in her name.

Warning, I am going to get all Hippie on you here for just a bit.
You: Sigh…..
Me: Just for a bit
You: Right….., Damn Hippie.
Me: I heard that!

The classic interpretation of the Sanskrit word “Namaste” (You know that thing our yoga teachers always say at end the of class (Damn Hippies), and that a huge chunk of the world uses as a greeting) is “I bow to the divine within you.”  Nice.  But the interpretation that was taught to me by a friend/colleague who happens to be a truly amazing yoga teacher (Damn Hippie) is “I greet you from the place where we are equals.” This understanding of namaste seems to tap into a core feature of that “something” I have been trying to find through sustained efforts at random acts of kindness; seeking a place from where we can see these other glorified monkeys as our equals AND where we also believe we are equals to them. Both of us equally valued and worthy of being seen for who we are.

OK, I am done with the Hippie bit…..for now.

Many of the random acts of kindness that I do are small and simple; holding a door, letting someone merge into traffic, a sincere thank you with eye contact to a cashier.  To count as a RAK, in accordance with the rules (See the post in September “The Rules of RAK”), I must be as present in that moment as I can be. Making a connection, no matter how brief, with another human-like creature is a sought after achievement, but not required. I guess it is being open to the possibility of a connection, no matter how brief, that is required.

A Pack

Last week I was at a meeting where my role was to sit at the Children’s Table and observe, speak only when spoken to. My vantage point as a Meeting Minion provided a wonderful opportunity to watch the interactions between the Important Flesh Puppets seated at the horseshoe-shaped Grownup’s Table. On this particular day, as the meeting progressed and the committee was drawn deeper into its task, one of the members became increasingly cranky, sullen, and defensive.  In the words of a dear friend of mine, he was being an Ass Hat.  (I love that description.  I also love “fucktard”; working on a way to use that in a conversation soon). In watching the nature of his growing defensiveness and obnoxiousness, his Ass Hat-ness, it became apparent that he felt he was not receiving enough acknowledgement for his contributions.  My guess was that underlying his behavior was a strong anxiety about not being valued, not being seen as important, not being recognized by the rest of the committee as belonging at the Grownup’s Table.  My random act of kindness that day was a small one. During a coffee break, as he walked passed my humble location at the Children’s Table, I thanked him for his service on the committee and let him know my organization (the sponsor of the meeting) appreciated his time and participation.  He gave me a curmudgeonly response, but he also melted a smidge in response to my comment.  A small interaction, but maybe it mattered (and I got credit for that day’s RAK. Winning!).

A Herd

Belonging is a core human need, and a crucial need to have met. Lots of good stuff comes from us tightly belonging to groups of other humans. It is unfortunate then that we encounter so many events in our life, especially growing up but not just, that lead us to question if we really do belong. Given this, it should come as no surprise that many of us (me making another assumption here) get a little nutty around needing that belonging. Hell, that nuttiness is probably in itself a core human behavior. What we do with that Little Nutty can range from amusing to horrifically destructive.

Family

A while back we talked about how the answer to the simple question “Do you believe there is enough?” could have profound implications for how we were in the world (See “Enough?” Posted back in November). I suggested that believing there was not enough was a fundamental source of some of the truly awful ways we humans treat each other. Having carefully watched and analyzed the behavior of a Fascinating Specimen over many years (who is most certainly not myself….), I have arrived at the scientific conclusion that responses to fear of not belonging can also lead to awful treatment, both to others and to ourselves. Whether we go with judging and tearing other people down to bring ourselves up, or become a whirling dervish of trying to prove just how much we do belong, both approaches can be destructive to all involved, especially in relationships.

A School

I am going to share a secret with you. I can so related to Mr. Ass Hat and the powerful fear of not belonging (Surprised, right?). I have spent a lifetime of trying to prove to fellow students, teachers, co-workers, bosses, girlfriends/partners, friends, acquaintances, that I was of value, worthy of inclusion, that I belonged, all the while harboring a belief that I did not. On the plus side, this means I worked super hard in school, am a massively productive employee, attentive and sensitive boyfriend/partner, friend who goes the extra mile, great mentor, Champion of the Little People, and a generous, kind, “nice” person. Go, me!

A Flock

On the downside, I can be anxious, insecure, overly ingratiating, and follow you are around like a needy puppy that you keep tripping over every time you turn around (Attractive, right?). When I am struggling with being in this space of fear of not belonging I feel small, and, in a patheti-sad kind of way, try to be even smaller, squeezing any sense of self into the smallest space possible in order to make room for the needs of the Belongers in the hopes that I will earn the right to become a Belonger too. I sense that the roots of this particular weed wrap around my vital organs and run deep.

A Tower

To give myself some credit in the Personal Growth Department, I am not the child/teen/man I was. I have come a long way and I am on a path I choose to be on (even if I have no clue about where it leads), but those insecurities can still be triggered by what amounts to a small ripple on the pond’s surface. It is amazing that I can be so respected and so competent, and feel so confident, and how the smallest of events creeps up on me, I am pantsed in the blink of an eye, and off runs all my sense of being a creature with personal power and agency. Amazing to be so aware when that happens and be helpless to stop it. Really quite the circus viewed from inside my head.  I have gotten quite good at noticing when this happens and being able to not act on it, and I have not reached a point where I can stop it from happening…..I believe I never will.

I do think I can continue to reduce the probability I act like an Ass Hat when insecurity ambushes me, and I can continue to try to be sensitive, and perhaps even occasionally kind, when others blossom into Ass Hats. That’s all I got. Hopefully that will suffice.

Namaste.