I know a woman who went somewhere else but her presence is still felt by many.

A story.  Tara Brach (http://www.tarabrach.com/audiodharma.html) has used this story several times. I am not sure who to credit for its original telling. Imagine you are walking out of the grocery story, hands full with your heavy bags of yummies and supplies when someone runs into you.  You are knocked to the ground, groceries scattered, breakables broken, you hurt your knee.  God damn it!  As you sit up, you feel the flash of anger rising in you and you are about to say, “You dumb ass, are fucking blind??!!”, when you look up and you see the sunglasses on their concerned face, the cane in their hand, the guide dog by their side.

Forgiveness. Monolithic Tar-Baby #2. Do you remember back in Part 1, where I said these ideas were complicated, hard to untangle, and this blog will fall short?  Well, keep that in mind as you read the last (for now) of the Anger and Forgiveness posts.  I do think I have something of value here, but the picture in my head is still far from captured. Perhaps while I continue to be on the confused side, you can make progress in whatever direction is progress for you.

Forgiveness. A gazillion billion things have been written and said about the importance of forgiveness, how healthy it is, and how it is a sign of moral strength. It is what good people do, and not doing it is a blotch on your permanent record, you unhealthy, morally weak, bad person you. I could be wrong but I think people even win prizes for forgiveness. Sign me up!  Let’s do some of that forgiveness thing and win us some prizes!  Ok, so, we just…… uuummmmm….. well….. first we…… huh.  Forgiveness is talked about pretty much any place humans are working on becoming something more, or are being lectured to on the importance of becoming something more.  But to quote one of the greatest lines from the Princess Bride: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

 

What are these people talking about? What does it mean to Forgive? On the surface this sounds like a silly question (You: We expect that from you so no surprise here) because everyone knows what forgiveness is, even if we don’t do it well. As RAK has required I bring my attention to being present with the various strange creatures, known and unknown, I stumble across during my day, as well as to myself, it has become apparent that “I do not think it means what you think it means.”  Or what I thought it meant either.

I used to think I was super good at forgiving.  I truly wasn’t Really Angry, or even angry, at anyone, not even people who had Really Hurt me. People would ask me if I was angry at this person or that; heartbreaks, mistreatment, even bigger things.  I would say, no, I had forgiven them.  I didn’t feel any anger toward them. It didn’t matter.  Wait… It didn’t matter?  Where did that come from?  Huh…. reaching a point where someone else’s actions toward you did not matter.  Is that the same as forgiving?  Feeling no anger, is that the same as forgiving?  I guess it might be, or is that something else?  Is that more like apathy or just feeling numb?  If we don’t care that someone hurt us what are we not caring about? Oh, look!  Monolithic Tar-Baby #2. Ooowwwhhh, sticky tar-like substance oozing down the back of your shirt. Because that sounds more like we are saying hurting us doesn’t matter, more than Real Forgiveness.  I am going to take a moment to sit in this stickiness (eech, now it is running down the back of my pants) and feel what that would mean.  I don’t recommend you do this. It is gross.  Important perhaps, but gross.

So many wise sources tell us that Forgiveness is expected, a sign of having healed, being a strong person, there is even research on forgiveness, but what if forgiving has nothing to do with these things? What if you can be a  strong healthy person who does not “have to forgive,” but does fully recognize the Real Human in the Other that did the hurting and treats them with compassion? What if you reached a place where you fully feel & understand that the person who hurt you is not to blame, the person was blindly responding to their history, trauma, rules which shaped all the injury they have done such that you have sincere empathy, perhaps even bring nurturing & kindness if you have to interact with them, AND you do not forgive them? Maybe it is not just blame vs. unblame, unforgiven vs. forgiven. Maybe it is multifaceted: anger, compassion, acceptance, empathy, forgiveness; each its own separate task. I don’t know.

Maybe more important than Forgiveness, given that I don’t know what that even is, is allowing whatever feeling there is to simply BE while not letting that feeling drive the bus. Finding a space where the Event(s) of Real Hurting does not define who you are, where you do not navigate using that Event as your North Star. The hurt no longer tacks you to a time & place like a butterfly pinned to a board, you are free to swim, to move in response to the currents that swirl around you NOW, not in orientation to a past tsunami.

What might this space look like?  How might we get there?  OK, that seems bit overly self-important of me and like I think I know what the hell I am doing….which I don’t.  Let me put this a different way that is more honest.  I have been thinking about Anger and Forgiveness for a while in the midst of this RAK gig, mostly taking a lot of dead ends as I traverse this maze (I could write an entire blog on that: A Year of Being Hopeless Lost in Search of Something That I Don’t Even Know What It Is), and have made some progress….. emphasis on “some.”

Here’s what I got: Some fundamental stuff that might be helpful to us (or not) with finding that balanced, at peace space. 1) It has to matter to you that you were hurt. 2) Part of the reason for #1 is that is a way to truly value ourselves, recognize how precious we are, how worthy and deserving of kindness and care. You see the hollowness in people’s actions that lead you to believe anything less. 3) It is OK to feel whatever you feel about that hurt and about that person; hate, love, confusion, anger, sadness. 4) How you feel can change. In fact that is part of the fun…that “part of the fun” thing is a lie.  That is actually part of what seriously sucks, but, in my stumbling around in the dark, allowing all this crap to bubble and be all gooey seems to be important. 5) The anger or sadness or both (assuming that is in there somewhere about this Event) gets to “BE” but doesn’t get to determine who you are and what you do with your life.

Wow!  Look at me making a list and stuff.

Maybe the only person you have to “forgive” is yourself. And maybe that means simply recognizing that events happened which shaped how you were in the world. You have had your heart broken. You learned you didn’t matter. You have been taught to question if you are lovable. You figured out that hiding how you really felt was a safe way to be. So many variations on a similar theme that burrow deep into who we are, often so deep that we are blind to how it twisted us. Shit happened, and it hurt, and you did the best you could, and you in turn fucked up. That fucking up happened for a reason, and the reason isn’t that you are a horrible person.

Knowing this doesn’t make it go away, but I think it might be a start toward getting past the two Monolithic Tar-Babies. Personally I would be stunned if they don’t take a short cut through the woods and show up again, sticky and huge as ever. For now, I find something comforting in trying to be gentle with myself, knowing I have fucked up and hurt people, sometimes those I loved, because I was lost & confused by hurt caused to me by people who supposedly loved me, as I try to sort through the anger and compassion that I in turn feel for those who hurt me.  Maybe somewhere in this empathy, anger and compassion targeted at these people and at myself is where Real Forgiveness is forged? I don’t know. That would be pretty amazing, but I don’t know.

While I wait to see what emerges, random acts of kindness continue to give me a opportunity to be present, aware and witness. Knowing that tomorrow, or maybe an hour from now, it starts over again.