I know a woman whose spirit is captured by the large circle of people who she was tightly connected with.

Mark Nepo, who has written some pretty good and easily digestible stuff (for those of us, like me, who aren’t the world’s best readers), says this: “Listening is being completely present to whatever is before us with all of who we are.”  First, Damn Hippie.  Second, I guess that “all of who we are” thing must include the oogie and difficult parts.

One of my favorite RAKs lately has been to try to slow down, be present, and truly listen to what someone is saying when we talk. Today’s RAK involved trying to do this with someone I have a long, often challenging, history with. My RAK was to sit with the person, try to truly listen to their stories and be as fully present with them in that moment as I could be. What they needed today was the simple kindness of someone Being with them, listening to what they had to say, no matter how trivial, no matter how far from the truth, to know they were heard and seen as another person.

Today’s RAK involved my trying to be fully present in that moment with all of who I am in an interaction with someone who in the past has hurt me. Really Hurt me. This person has never been, and never will be, able to apologize as they lack the insight, awareness, and most of all the courage to even know how, how much and for how long they hurt me. What do we with that?

I know this person’s history, their suffering, and that they are damaged, and how that damage has cripple their ability to function in relationships with other humans and filled their life with pain. After a long time I understand in my head (my heart feels this makes sense but is not fully convinced) that hurting me had nothing to do with me. It was all a consequence of hurt done to them by damaged people who were in turn hurt by damaged people, and on back it goes. I have compassion, empathy, sorrow for their loss.  And, at the same time, I was Really Hurt by their actions/non-actions. I have pain, anger, resentment, sorrow for my loss. A challenging composite with which to try to surf the waves.

For me, today’s Random Act of Kindness represented the core challenge we were talking about in Part 1; holding anger and compassion at the same time.  People who know me well would likely say this RAK is no big surprise, that I am “nice” and caring to lots of people, even those who treat me wrong (I am working on not doing that so much by the way).  I would say that while true (as we have established I am a “nice” guy after all), most of that nice is just me waving the nice banner from behind well-fortified battlements.  My goal today though was to be as present as possible while I sat with this person outside of the safety of those walls. This meant being aware of the parade of emotions that marched through, and even experiencing them. Yuck.

Interestingly, I find I can’t hold on to my anger at this person. It slips through my grasp and evaporates. I suspect it is meaningful (damn it) that it is the Real Anger I bring to myself that was the issue which arose. Let’s explore.

A couple quotes to ponder as we start:
**Jung- “The Consciousness knows no time.”
**30-Something Woman on the back veranda waiting for a show at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Performing Arts- “Mommmmm” Said in annoyed 15-year old voice.
**Me:”Your brain is not your friend.”

Our gloriously complex brains at the core are only wired to do a few basic categories of tasks. A key task is to answer the question “Why did that happen?” Most relevant to our discussion, “Why did that happen to me?”
Under times of relative calm, this is expressed as “Pardon me, let us apply some cognitive resources to address the question of why….”
Under times of stress, trauma, confusion, this gets translated as “AAaAAaaahhhhhhhh! Wha…..??? What the hell just happened? That hurt. Why the fuck did they do that to me??!!l!” Your brain begins to rapidly scan the environment to identify not just who did that, but (because our brains are gloriously complex) why did the identified Who just emotionally and/or physically inflict pain on you. This seems reasonable and adaptive, right? Figure out why and then make sure it never ever ever happens again.

But a problem emerges. Of course, perhaps I am the only one who this happens to, in which case I am deeply embarrassed I brought this up. So to avoid deep embarrassment, I am going to make a wild guess that I am not alone (no need to raise your hands).  The problem is this. When our Glorious Brains scan environments to seek answers to mysterious questions like why did someone hurt me the answer is almost always (if we have a fancy brain) “insufficient data” or (for the rest of us) “huh, no clue.” But our Glorious Brains do not give up easily. If the answer is not out there, it must be in here, the answer must be because “I did something wrong! Bad me! I am so angry at me.” The younger we are, the more likely we are to focus the cause of our pain onto ourselves, blame ourselves, to bring that emotional storm of anger into ourselves. But doing this is not just for kids. As I said above, your brain is not your friend.

To add to the fun, as Jung so eloquently notes above and the 30-something woman demonstrated so nicely, your Glorious Brain is delighted to turn up stream and swim back into your past. In a flash, we are children, teens, young adults, all the other “Me” we are that are most certainly not the wise, mature, centered Me we are now that we are all grown up and stuff. No, our Glorious Brain brings the unwise, magical thinking Me into the driver seat. Not our best ally in navigating intense emotions.

Now imagine the event that triggers our brain to spin and swim back into our history is an event associated with hurt & anger, an anger that your brain has assigned to you, an anger that whatever happened is your fault and was quickly turned inward. My goodness. I am fucked. You are fucked…….. unless…. unless… unless…. huh, seems we have circled back to the challenge of holding anger and compassion, this time for ourselves. Of course, at least for me, how to do this remains more of an aspiration than an accomplishment, but credit for making a start….maybe?

Let’s try to think our way out of the past. Wait, our Glorious Brains are not our friend so “thinking” is an odd choice of weapons. How about we start by being curious? We pause and notice when anger at ourselves pops up, perhaps this anger is expressed as self-depreciation, being our own worst critic, self-destructive behaviors, maybe subtle, maybe a spectacular Shit Show. (Does any of this sound familiar? Anyone else have a mean voice in there? Another wild guess that I am not alone.) We stop to notice this anger in its many forms and perhaps then wonder, just wonder, don’t have to make any rash decisions, but wonder. What if you slowed down and gently posed this question, “I kind of sort of wonder if this anger maybe might sort of be pointed in the wrong direction? I wonder if my brain got it wrong. Hard for me to imagine given how glorious my brain is but just for fun I will ask this question.”

At this point, it is anybody’s guess where the answer will take you, and I don’t know if this is any sort of clue for you. For me, and maybe just me, it is seriously scary (and confusing) to accept the answer if the answer is the anger should be pointed at someone you loved or admired or needed for you to be safe. Are you allowed to have Real Anger at those people? That seems like a bad idea. You are going to lose their love if you do that. Better you just accept that it is your fault and stay safe. But there is that Monolithic Tar-Baby, Real Anger, blocking the path. Fuck.

There is of course always a choice. Sit down, go back, or do the really scary sucky thing; entertain the idea that the Powerful Beings of Your Past may have hurt you, maybe even Really Hurt you, and the reasons had nothing to do with you. What if breaking your heart, dismissing you, teaching you you weren’t valuable, neglecting you, maybe even abusing you, all the hurting wasn’t about you? If that is true, then maybe you are innocent, and worth being treated with kindness and compassion. Wow. Might be a nice way to go, at least check out, but things can get really messy too. There are a lot of implications & consequences, some not pleasant. What should we do? Stop, keep life clean? Go see what’s the deal with the tar-babies, get sticky?

Lately, I have been wondering about a simple question with a hard answer; what decision would you make if you really liked yourself?

Either way, for me, it has become apparent that I need to take a close look at the other Monolithic Tar-Baby, Real Forgiveness. On to Part 3 if you want to come with.