I know a woman whose effect on the world continues to shine in the stories people share about her.

So I would love to pretend that I have a bunch of really great reasons for being a bit slow in posting. Yes, I am super busy at work being all responsible and pursuing Global Public Health Domination, been helping a dear family member through a rough time, I have even been sick (not mention that whole my dog is dying thing) but the truth is I have been avoiding truly diving into the topic I want us to chat about. I have been working on this for a few weeks but the picture in my head is complicated, hard to untangle, harder to put into words.  Still, as I slog my way through the lessons bubbling up from consistent random acts of kindness, it is apparent that there are a couple of sticky, gooey, tar-like issues sitting on the path before us.  How about if I provide a warning to you all?

Here is the warning.  “I want to chat about a couple topics that I find confusing so this blog will fall short and we will need to return to these topics again. Probably a few times.”
You: Don’t worry. We always have low expectations about your blogs.
Me: …….
You: It’s the secret to happiness.
Me: …….     You: Low expectations. Low expectations are the secret to happiness.

Okay, with that out of the way, I want to talk about anger and forgiveness.  I find that these are easy words to toss around, I do it everyday (“I am so pissed off at that guy.”  “Of course I forgive you, Sweetheart.”).  But, at least for me,  when I use anger and forgiveness in a casual day-to-day context, it is the equivalent of “How are you doing?”  “Great! How about you?” The terms are meaningless beyond the role they play in the important but lacking true connection daily dance of our lives with a multitude of other humans.  As RAK creates these pockets where my world slows down, I catch glimpses of how complex and deeply rooted anger and the challenge of forgiveness can be. As we peel away inconsequential day-to-day events and frustrations which make us angry and which we (on a good day) forgive while also not ignoring that place where you were feel the sting of the anger (I feel it in my heart….but then I am a sentimental guy), we are left facing these two monolithic tar-babies; “real” anger and the struggle of “real” forgiveness.

Yeeeaaaa, that’s more than a little unpleasant.  So why?  Why bother? For me it is because they are sitting in the way of where I want to go. Stupid, Monolithic Tar-Babies. Maybe not for you, which would be awesome. Feel free to continue reading if for no other reason that my getting all sticky and gross might be amusing.

Anger is not an acceptable emotion in most circles, unless you are a huge muscular male loaded down with some serious fire power who is unleashing some righteous vengeance to right a wrong done by people so evil there is simply no choice but to end their wicked ways via extreme violence. In that case, let that rage pour forth, Mighty Good Guy. Outside of that specific context, Anger is a troublemaker, not be trusted, not to be allowed to roam without a tight leash.

But crap, based on my last post, there are a number of implications that flow if we are allowing our own suffering balanced with the broader contexts of others’/Others’ suffering as well as the beautiful events in life. And this allowing means “acceptance” of whatever emotional response arises. Two quick notes; 1) acceptance does not mean take no action (If you are about to be run over by a bus, physical or metaphorically, get out of the way), 2) acceptance does not mean take action (if you are feeling so discouraged you want to die, you can acknowledge and not act on it. Believe me on this one. Been there.).

I think the big, and annoying, implication is that when we start to allow/acknowledge/accept our suffering as legit, and that suffering is only one current in a complex stream, there are now other psychological events/emotions getting in line for permanent citizenship. And they are a motley crew of undesirables. Anger is right there, probably pushing, shoving and making snarky comments to the others.

Let me share a story from a chunk of years back that I hope highlights one of the anger challenges. There are many, but let’s start here. An acquaintance of mine, who I used to cross paths with on a regular basis back in the day, was a Card-carrying Soccer Mom with a smattering of medium-sized humans in that tween to early teen range who was engulfed in the getting of said medium-sized humans to and from a multitude of activities. As any card-carrying Soccer Parent knows, the Carpool is the most logical and efficient way to achieve this, although it does mean having to regularly interact with other Soccer Parents’ medium-sized humans who sometimes are not as wonderful and talented as your own. This was a challenge for my acquaintance, in part because she raised her now medium-sized humans with strict expectations and also because it is her approach to many things in her world.

There was one…. boy? Young man? What do we call 13ish-year-old males these days? Let’s say “kid.” There was this one kid who increasingly annoyed her as the months passed. She described him to me as a nice enough kid (no bullying or aggression) but he was loud, disrespectful of adults (not mouthy or rude but joking & jumped into adult conversations), and dressed what she referred to as slovenly. He could be quiet and lost in thought on some days (these were the only days she didn’t have to fight the urge to pull the minivan over and yell at him), but most days he was filled with energy and the air practically hummed around him even when he was sitting still and not bouncing off car walls. Of course it was hard to tell from her descriptions what was over the top vs. high energy but “normal” medium-sized male human.

Either way, she had reached the point she had anger boiling under the surface at him and so disapproved of him that it became apparent to everyone of the medium-sized humans in the carpool, including him. She told me that she felt a little bad about this, but mostly she was righteous (Can I get an amen, Brothers & Sisters?!!) in her belief he was out of line and should be getting this feedback. Then a strange thing happened.

One day a few months later, we crossed paths again. She told me that through a series of events that lead to a police investigation, it was revealed that this kid was being sexually abused by a “trusted” adult and his home life was a nightmare. Despite how it appeared on the surface, this kid did not live in the same world as my acquaintance and her children. This kid did not swim in the same ocean, his ocean had monsters in it. This rocked her world. In the blink of an eye, her entire perspective of his behavior was changed from obnoxious child who needed training in manners to abused child who needed love and protection. He made her angry, and his behavior was an expression of events in his life. There was a reason for his behavior that was not that he was a bad kid. She struggled with this transformation and when we parted her disquiet and confusion was evident. She wanted a black and white place to stand: be angry or be compassionate. She did not know how to do both.

Much like allowing suffering while recognizing that it is nothing special, allowing anger and compassion to both be held, at least for me, is a huge challenge. I have come to feel in my bones that when people make me angry, hurt me, even when they Really Hurt me, they have a history that explains why. Knowing this I have compassion for them as a fellow flesh puppet, but what do I with this hurt and anger? Allowing anger and compassion to be held at the same time is something I don’t know how to do. I do know that somehow finding a way is important for getting at least one of those Monolithic Tar-Babies off the path. I suspect the other Monolithic Tar-Baby, Forgiveness, has to be addressed at the same time. Stupid Monolithic Tar-Babies.

On to Part 2 perhaps.

h