Random Acts of Kindness: A one year challenge

I know a young woman who I will not forget.  Thanks for still reading…..assuming you are.  So I don’t have to awkwardly include “assuming you are” every time, I am going to go ahead and assume that there is a you, even it is only my daughter who I am sure will read this if for no other reason than it will amuse her  (Although secretly she will probably think it is cool on some level.  Don’t worry, Sweetie, we will never speak of this again).

So, here are the rules I am playing by, and if you want to play RAK Challenge even if for a day, you have to follow the rules or you are playing some different game. Yes, very bossy I know (and many people in my life would agree with you) but this is important.  Ok, you are right, I don’t know if it is truly important, but I think it may be, so we will follow these rules.

#1 No RAK is too small to “count.”  Putting your neighbor’s newspaper on the porch when you are out walking the dogs, holding the door for someone with their hands full, saying something kind to the checkout woman at the grocery store when you saw the previous customer be an asshole;  these all count.  I have been surprised at how little often seems to do so much within someone else’s day.  Of course, it also counts when RAKs require more from you in terms of time, resources and perhaps most of all psychological presences.

#2 The RAK must involve doing something, as opposed to not doing something you might normally do.  So not stealing your co-worker’s lunch when you perhaps might do that every so often, does NOT count.  Not screaming “you mother fucking bastard!” when a driver cuts you off; does NOT count. RAK within my game is defined by intentionally doing something.

#3 Speaking of intentionality, and I think this may be a key rule, you must pay attention to what you are doing and acknowledge it in your head, “This is a random act of kindness.”  Why?  Why is he putting yet another rule on this?  Fair question; here is why, I may be the only human person who does this, but it is easy for me to walk through my life and not really pay attention to what is happen, in particular not pay attention to people as “people.”  I happen to be a “nice guy” and I literally do dozens of acts of kindness pretty much every day, but a huge number of those are on automatic pilot.  I am not actually paying attention much to what I am doing. Way more importantly, maybe, is that I am not actually paying attention to the other human as a human, as an individual person with needs and longings and dreams and a ton of shit which is making it hard to get those things fulfilled.

Side note: Be warned, I have a tendency toward the Hallmark Greeting Card, Norman Rockwell, After School Special Movie, but I am sincere about it, and I am also completely fine with you rolling your eyes at some of these deeply felt but ridiculously stated observations.  Believe me, my family and friends feel your pain and are right there with you on the eye roll.  If it helps, I also will be saying “fuck” a lot.

Anyway, Rule #3 matters and is characterized by doing something on purpose, paying attention to the fact that you are doing, and also being aware, if only for a moment, that that blob of walking flesh is a specific, individual person. It also completely legit to do a little moon-walk dance and give yourself a high five for completing a RAK, and/or be relieved that you have been able to check that off the day’s to-do list.

#4  It does not count as RAK if what you do hurts you physically, psychologically, emotionally, financially, whatever.  This is not the Random Acts of Martyrdom Challenge.  Different game, and I am sure they do have a blog for RAM,

#5 I found this to better if you don’t tell the person; “Hey, that was my random act of kindness for the day.”   For me, some of the most meaningful RAK, keeping in mind that I am not at all sure what meaningful means yet….maybe never will, were things that I did anonymously.  Now this may only be important for me to do.  I am a driven, goal oriented (but “nice”) person and it is a big deal to me to get credit for achieving things. So for me, doing things that people don’t know I did and I will never get credit for is an important part of this.

Wait…..this doesn’t really sound like a rule, I thought he was laying out the rules.   What the fuck?  Fair enough. Rule #5 is a strong suggestion.

#6 You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to wake up and be all filled with the juices of life shouting, “Thank God, thank God! Another joyous day of random acts of kindness. This is awesome.”  You do not have to feel all rosy and cheery and warm when you have done some random act of kindness.  You don’t have to suffer if you play this game. You don’t have to feel smug and self-righteous.  You don’t have to feel like you’re a good person should you choose to try a little bit of RAK. You don’t have feel like you are bad person if you think this is bullshit and never do a single RAK, or you do a few then quit for whatever reason. You don’t have to feel angry or happy or sad.  You don’t have to feel anything and, conversely, anything you do feel is ok.

So far for me 4 weeks in, I often feel this sense of connection with the other person, which is powerful and nice and warm and fuzzy, AND I also feel a strong undercurrent of sadness.  Part of this game for me is going to be to try to understand what comes up.  So I am going to have to pay attention to not only the warm fuzzies (think puppies) but also to the scary, difficult, and prickly (think sea urchin, but a really big one, like one from an old science fiction movie, a bad movie).

So Rule #6 is basically allow yourself feel whatever you feel about a specific RAK and about the whole game….. if anyone else is playing.